Men & Grief

Men often have greater difficulty coping with grief and loss compared to women due to a combination of societal, cultural, and behavioural factors.

Having worked in law enforcement for the first eighteen years of my working life, I have a deep respect and affection for men. I’ve seen them put their lives on the line. I’ve witnessed the emotional impact of difficult calls and difficult conversations. And I’ve see what happens when there is an inability, hesitancy, or fear in sharing the buildup of those feelings. 

As a wife and a mother of a mid-twenties son I’ve seen what happens when emotions aren’t honestly expressed. How much more difficult life is. How barriers are erected to the love, care and connection we all need as human beings. 

While everyone experiences grief uniquely, here are some key reasons why men might struggle more with the process:

1. Societal Expectations of Masculinity

• "Be Strong" Mindset: Men are often raised with the expectation to be stoic, self-reliant, and emotionally controlled. Showing vulnerability may conflict with the traditional image of masculinity, making it harder for men to express or process their grief.
• Provider/Protector Role: Men frequently feel pressured to remain composed and strong for others, especially if they are in a caregiving or leadership role. This can push them to suppress their own emotions rather than face their grief.

2. Differences in Emotional Expression

• Social Conditioning: Women are generally socialized to communicate feelings openly and seek emotional support. Men, on the other hand, are less encouraged to share their emotions, leaving them with fewer tools to process grief.
• Behavioural Coping Mechanisms: Men often cope through action or distraction. They may throw themselves into their work, engage in physical activities or spend more time scrolling on their phone or watching television, which can delay emotional processing.

3. Limited Support Networks

• Fewer Emotional Outlets: Women are more likely to lean on close friends or family for emotional support. Men’s social networks often focus on shared activities rather than emotional connection, potentially leaving them feeling isolated during times of loss.
• Reluctance to Seek Help: Men may view asking for help as a sign of weakness or fear being judged, preventing them from accessing resources like therapy, grief support groups, or even confiding in loved ones.

4. Biological and Hormonal Factors

• Brain Differences: Studies show that women’s brains are more wired for empathy and emotional regulation, which may make processing grief more intuitive for them. Men, while equally capable of experiencing deep emotions, may find it harder to articulate and process them. They may be more cognitive or analytical about the loss. 
• Stress Responses: Men are more likely to respond to stress (including grief) with a "fight or flight" reaction, while women often lean toward "tend and befriend" behaviours, seeking connection during times of distress.

5. Grief Manifesting Differently

• Outward Behaviours: Men’s grief often presents as anger, irritability, or withdrawal rather than sadness or tears. These expressions can be misinterpreted by others as a lack of grief, further discouraging men from sharing their pain.
• Physical Symptoms: Men may experience grief as physical discomfort (e.g., headaches, muscle tension, or fatigue) or turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms like alcohol, overeating, or risk-taking behaviours.

6. Unacknowledged Grief

• Disenfranchised Grief: Men’s grief over certain losses (e.g., a miscarriage, the loss of a friend, or career setbacks) may not be fully recognized by society, leaving them feeling unsupported or silenced.
• Delayed Grief Responses: Men may suppress their emotions for months or years, only to experience unresolved grief later, often in unexpected ways.

How to Help Men Cope with Loss

It’s important to encourage men to see grief as a normal and natural process and not a sign of weakness.

Be a safe space for him. Offer to listen without criticism or judgement whenever he wants to talk. And then LISTEN to the words he shares with you. You don’t need to offer advice or “fix “ anything, because the truth is, you can’t. Allow him to be heard, understood and supported. 

Encourage him to connect with professional support if he’s open to it.

Offer him opportunities for both activity and reflection. Ask him to go for a hike, a workout, or any activity he enjoys. Let him know that it’s okay for him to express any feelings he might have. Be comfortable sitting in silence. 

As we’ve discussed, men’s struggles with grief can be deeply rooted in personal experiences and society’s expectations. By addressing these challenges with compassion and understanding, we can help the men in our lives find healthier pathways to emotional healing.